:: muara senandika ::

 Almost three years passed and I don't have any new blog post lmao (this one didn't count :p).

When people say: let's forget about the past!, that is the time I want to know about your past deeper than ever. I want to be in love with it, cherish the moments: befriend with it. With that being said, I want to be a part of your story. But let me tell you that I don't want to be anyone special. Please choose your favorite person and come back to tell me the whole story. I'd love to hear it. We do have different paths, maybe different time zone too. But the moon will always comes up after the sunset and it won't change.[]

I don't know how to recover from the hangover caused by our last conversation. I feel like an astronaut who is just back to earth: fighting with gravity. My legs told me to stand up straight but my brain was confused and gave all my weight to the ground. I always choose to fall. I know I don't have wings, but I know I've been flying. I know that I had to step on the ground, but I just can't. We could laugh over ice cream then cry over a birthday cake. Have I ever told you that one day, I couldn't recall how  I left that place? I've been trying to remember but I failed. It's weird because it's been with me for almost five years long. I knew it by heart. When you could share your trauma without crying is considered a part of healing, can I call myself healed when I literary forgot how the trauma hit me? If the answer is yes , then why sometimes do I still see myself unworthy? Why do I still have those anxieties? I have so many anxieties. I feel anxious whe...

Have you ever listened to a certain song that reminds you that beautiful things exist? Have you ever wanted to cry so bad but you didn't find any good reason to do it? Have you read a good line in a book but you just crying instead because you know that a good thing like that won't happen to you? Have you ever wanted to give up but here you are, surviving? Have you ever sent a pretty bouquet but refuse to receive one because you feel you don't deserve it? Have you ever wanted to leave but you don't have any place to escape? Have you ever felt you lose hope for one time in life and you know you won't find it in any prayer? For one time in life, you want to lift everything up.[] here, 7 August 2021

I want to say sorry, for myself. Sorry, that you have to face the reality. You are alone and that person no longer exists. The time she asked me who is the person on my mind that pops out when I have to imagine I'm on a hot, dry desert, and I run out of water and food, there's a place covered with trees, looks so comfortable for a rest. Who is someone that might be there? I see that person. And that person only. It is good to have someone that always has your back and who exists  for you. But, no. Sorry.[]

I let you came into my life recently. It wasn't planned. I never had a plan to met someone like you. But I gave you some space inside. I welcome you and you stayed respectfully. I let you to tell your story. Your life, your struggle, the way you coped with those... everything. I was touched with the way you survive back then. It is the beautiful story of yours that cherished me and feels so empowering. I feel encouraged. But then you suddenly quiet. You want to hear my story. I said: no. I love to hear yours and yours only. You said: what's the point of loving my story if you can't embrace yours? What's the point spend your time listening to me carefully if you don't even want listen to yourself alone? You already know my story, it is indeed painfully terrifying but I made it. I know you still have some issues. I'm here all ears. I don't think I need to share mine because I don't need people to feel empathetic towards me. But you said it wasn't the p...

"Mbak, ayo temenin gue." "Aduh. Lagi?" "Iya. Abis, mo gimana? Retno udah mohon-mohon banget, nih." Di situlah kemudian kami berdua , d i pojokan lapangan mungil yang gelap dan muram dekat toko kelontong kecil. Satu-satunya sumber cahaya adalah dari toko kelontong itu. "Lama gak kira-kira?" Aku bertanya sebab rasa dahaga mulai menggangguku. Bagaimana tidak haus jika kau berdiri dan berbincang sambil berdiri cukup lama ? "Retno bilang tadi cuma sebentar aja. Yang penting Aa Hasan sudah tenang." "Itu dia beneran bawa pisau?" Aku melirik toko kelontong yang mulai diturunkan separuh rolling door -nya. Jelas saat ini sudah pukul sembilan lebih. Tak ada toko atau warung yang bertahan buka lebih larut dari toko ini. "Gak tau, Mbak. Tapi kalo bawa, kan pasti geger ini satu kompleks." Ya jelas lah. Gegernya bukan karena Hasan bunuh diri, melainkan dia pasti disumpah serapahi bapak-bapak dan om-om tentara: mati ...

Kalian bisa jadi pernah dengar perkataan berikut: time will heal everything . Kalimat itu rasanya begitu menggugah, apalagi jika posisi kita sedang menggengam luka. Seperti ada optimisme muncul dan membawa kita untuk tak patah semangat. Tapi nih, ya, mommaap, emang iya, waktu menyembuhkan segalanya? Hehe. Siapa sih yang gak pernah terluka dalam hidupnya? Pasti, tiap-tiap dari kita pernah merasakan luka. Entah karena disakiti, entah karena kegagalan sehingga terjatuh sendiri, atau justru terluka karena kehilangan. Duh... Saat menghadapi luka menganga ini, rasanya ya... mungkin awalnya gak percaya. Fase denial . Mulai tumbuh pertanyaan-pertanyaan dan rasa tak percaya seperti: kenapa harus aku? Kenapa harus sekarang? Kenapa ini, kenapa itu... Saat rapuh macam ini, kalimat di judul postingan ini cukup dapat memberi ketenangan dan rasa damai. Sehingga, akhirnya fase denial itu dapat dilalui dan kita tiba pada fase lain yakni: menerima. Menerima kehadiran serangkaian peristiwa yang membawa l...

I just stared at my screen for quite so long and decided to wrote about this. I had those years. We had those years. I know we might be leaving our dreams behind to faced our new responsibilities. We might completely forget about it. I know we might want something else, want to be somewhere else. Even at the end of the day we finally grew apart. You chase yours, while I was busy dedicating my whole day to the kids and family matters. I didn't be able to chase mine. Let alone you encouraged me to be on the same page with you. I crawled from my dark place to reach somewhere I belong. To regained my time again, to own my room again, to build my dreams from scratch again. And, here I am. It was not easy for me because sometimes I felt you don't think I deserve those. We left the trigger for some journeys and exchanged it for something hard and unpredictable. But you know what? We did it. This is something I quite proud of us back then. 😊 Remember when we didn't have money just...

I wrote this in just one sit. I promise I stopped wherever I finish. So here I go. I have a lot to tell since the last time I posted. I’ve lost my father due to Covid. It’s my biggest loss this year. I never imagined I would lose him in such way. He is not my favorite person, but (believe me) losing someone who we get used to in his presence is still painful. He is my son's favorite person. I had a hard time to tell my son. And the time I told him, he cried the loudest. He said he still wants to play with Akung (this is the way they called my father). I don’t have a lot of his picture on my phone because accidentally my phone is just broken days before we infected Covid. I only have a few of them from other phones. Both losing him and remembering his presence is my soft spot right now. I could cry a river the second his face pop out in my head There’s a lot to heal.[]

Kapan kau mau berhenti? Kapan kau mau benar-benar pergi? Aku sudah muak. Muak dengan sikap tak mau tahumu. Muak dengan bagaimana kau selalu ingin dipahami. Muak dengan malam-malam di mana kau tak bisa tidur dan minta didongengi, lagi dan lagi. Kapan kau berani? Kapan kau mau kelahi? Lawan lah semua itu. Kau mungkin akan butuh waktu yang jauh lebih lama, tapi kan itu tak apa. Walau tak jelas yang kau takutkan itu sebenarnya apa. Apa? Setan? Bukan. Hantu? Bukan. Ia hanyalah satu rasa yang menjajah isi kepala dan meracunimu pelan-pelan. Sudah. Aku mau pergi.[]

My phone is dying. Last Saturday morning (26th December), he jumped into the water while my husband took the boys in the shower. Don't ask how can it did happen. He is my seventh phone and has been with me for at least one and a half year. Just like you, I stored a lot of things there. After pulled it from water, I put it on the sack of rice for more than an hour, I guess. Still no sign of life. Ppfft. That evening we brought the phone to the service center nearby. I need it to be handling soon. It's an emergency because that day I had an appointment with someone and I have a project that still needs to progress. Run typical days without a phone is weird. Here, I want to share my notes on what has changed while my phone is away. I want to track down what things could be good if I totally off from my phone. I do believe there are good things about this. Day One: The time I realized my phone didn't respond to any instructions like restarting or total shut down, I went upstair...

I wrote this for something I post on my Twitter. It asked me to write a letter to myself. So, here we go. Uhm. It's a bit weird to write a letter to myself while me myself DO really know everything that's happened in my life. But while I realized sometimes we lie to ourselves, I think I might make a confession(?) about something. Dear Myself, Please focus on your goals. Focus on what's your doing right now. Do not procrastinate too often. You still have plenty of things to accomplished. So please be patient. One more. Do not feel thrilled or too happy whenever you watch your favorite tarot reading that speaking about love on Youtube. No matter how cute to hear they are. That love things are not our stuff :)) Please be real. Ha! That's all, I guess(?). I love you. []

Jika orang lain tak bisa hidup tanpa hal-hal seperti ponsel pintar miliknya atau benda-benda memorable dari masa kecil, maka aku tak bisa hidup tanpa hearing aid . Iya, alat bantu dengar. Aku yakin belum banyak orang dari masa laluku yang—selain telah jauh berjarak dan jauh dari kabar—tak mengetahui bahwa kini aku adalah seorang pengguna alat bantu dengar. Aku mulai menggunakan hearing aid sejak tahun 2016, setahun setelah memutuskan mencoba jalan medikasi untuk gangguan pendengaran yang aku alami. Kala itu, aku yakin bahwa pengobatan medis takkan mengubah apapun. Aku merasa aku lebih membutuhkan alat bantu dengar. Ini bukanlah “penyakit” yang butuh diobati, melainkan kerusakan yang butuh ditangani atau diperbaiki. Jauh sebelum itu, hal yang mungkin dapat aku tunjuk sebagai “kambing hitam” adalah radang tenggorokan yang menyerang dalam satu tahun secara intens medio 2010. Efeknya tidak kurasakan di tahun berikutnya, namun beberapa tahun setelahnya. Hingga pada suatu petang, ket...

When you really want to write something, but you can't. Just can't. When the weather is good outside, but you choose to stay inside. You just don't want to see the world. When you said: I'm not that strong, I pretended to be one. You just confused who you  are  trying to  convince. When you wait for the cards to open up but yourself said otherwise. Just: no. In the end of the day, you just want to... :)

Dulu, aku pikir lawannya "cinta" adalah "benci". Ternyata bukan. The opposite of love is not hate, it's fear. Ini gak berarti menafikan benci, ya. Sebagai salah satu spektrum emosi, benci tetap valid, kok. Hanya saja, aku lebih sepakat soal "kebalikan dari cinta adalah rasa takut", ketimbang benci. Benci adalah salah satu manifestasi dari rasa takut. Misalnya, takut kehilangan, takut tidak dicintai (lagi), takut kecewa, takut gagal, dan lain-lain. --- Dulu, aku pikir orang yang marah-marah (atau abusif) dengan teriak-teriak itu sudah pasti emosian. Ternyata bukan. Mungkin, memang ada aspek behavioral  soal marah itu. Tapi, kalau orang marah dengan teriak-teriak, sebetulnya itu ekspresi dari rasa takut. Ya, mirip dengan poin sebelum ini. Orang yang teriak-teriak itu merasa berjarak dengan lawan bicaranya--walau jarak sebenarnya gak sampe satu meter 😂. Ia harus menaikkan intonaisnya karena ia takut perasaannya dianggap gak valid, takut argumennya tidak ...

Kelak, kamu pasti bisa menemukan seseorang yang dapat memelihara percakapan, melahirkan tawa, merangkai doa, sampai berupaya menghapus air mata. Mungkin seseorang yang baru. Atau mungkin dia yang sudah selalu ada sejak kau kecil dulu. Suatu hari nanti, hal yang kau perjuangkan ini akan kembali padamu. Menjadi seorang dengan balutan "Kaum Seperti Kita" 🌈 di tanah ini memang tak pernah mudah. Tapi, pasti. Semua akan berpulang padamu. Dalam rupa karma baik, tentu. Jangan habiskan waktu tidurmu dengan terjaga terlalu larut, ya. Apalagi tenggelam terlampau dalam di samudera kekhawatiran sampai hari berganti pagi yang terlalu dini. Sulit berkata jujur memang karaktermu. Bukan tak bisa. Aku paham kau punya terlalu banyak pertimbangan untuk bisa mengucapkannya. Bahkan sekadar bilang "aku rindu" pada dia yang sudah lama kau bersamanya. Bahkan pada dia yang kau tahu kau pasti akan dapat balasan indah serupa. Kalau yang terakhir ini ada jaminannya, belajarlah menyampaikannya,...

  I do enjoy reading so much. Not because I am a smart person, but because reading gives me a quite room which I could drown without losing my breath. It calms me. It makes me forget about my life--even for a while. I've been away from my books lately, yes, it's called reading slump. I just-- I just can't read. I can't pick my books and read them. Let alone finished them. I think I even avoided them somehow. There are no particular reasons why I can't read. Well, maybe at first I had some problems that consume most of my thoughts. I just can't get rid them that quick. Or, maybe, I didn't want  them to go that quick. I cherished them inside my mind. I pleased them whenever they came but still hold the door open for them. And there it is, I even didn't notice when they were leaving. Then I was busy with my work, which makes me missed my books more. And oh, also blogging. I didn't even have time to watch Netflix, hahahah! I just starring at those pile o...

Umur blogku yang ini jauh lebih "tua" dari pada umur akun Twitter. Tapi tentu aku lebih banyak ngebacot di sana ketimbang di sini, wkwkwk. Alasannya lebih ke persoalan teknis aja: Twitter lebih praktis. Tapi tau gak, kenapa aku masih mau bertahan di sini? Pertama, kebalikannya dari Twitter: blog memungkinkan untuk aku menulis panjang--sepanjang apapun semauku. Tulisan panjang itu jelas tidak terinterupsi oleh batas karakter sehingga harus dipenggal menjadi beberapa bagian. Pengalaman membaca kadang keganggu karena hal begini. Untuk perkara piranti menulis, walau Blogger sudah menyediakan fitur aplikasi  mobile, hampir seluruh postingan di blog ini aku tulis dengan PC. Aplikasi Blogger tuh sama sekali gak asyik. Dan bagiku, aktivitas blogging sejati tuh ya pakai PC bukan pakai hape, hahahahah. *APADEH* Nah, beberapa waktu yang lalu tuh aku pernah sengaja kirim feed back  ke tim Blogger. Sebagai blogger lawas, ceritanya aku protes kenapa Blogger tuh gak upscale  dengan meny...

I had several plans for my birthday this year. I called it: 4 B's. But pandemic cancelled them all. Well, I actually still can work on the fourth B: (my) book. But, no. Everything swoop in a blink of an eye. I think I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Or, at least have good wishes like I did last year. A day after my first mental breakdown (finally I have to called it that way because I had terrible days and awful nights where I could crying out of nowhere--and it happened for at least four days in a row), I think my life was falling apart. I have to live another year with my miserable life so the birthday shouldn't be celebrated, but to be mourned. I am a person who love grand gestures. So much. My love languages are words of affirmations and receiving gifts. Imagine how happy I am on my birthday to be showered with a lot of delights in a day: genuine wishes and presents. I do, too, love to share gifts to the one I love. Yep. I love to spoiled someone I love....