If, someday...

I just stared at my screen for quite so long and decided to wrote about this.

I had those years. We had those years.

I know we might be leaving our dreams behind to faced our new responsibilities. We might completely forget about it. I know we might want something else, want to be somewhere else.

Even at the end of the day we finally grew apart. You chase yours, while I was busy dedicating my whole day to the kids and family matters. I didn't be able to chase mine. Let alone you encouraged me to be on the same page with you.

I crawled from my dark place to reach somewhere I belong. To regained my time again, to own my room again, to build my dreams from scratch again. And, here I am. It was not easy for me because sometimes I felt you don't think I deserve those.

We left the trigger for some journeys and exchanged it for something hard and unpredictable. But you know what? We did it. This is something I quite proud of us back then. 😊

Remember when we didn't have money just to buy a (((cheap))) wall clock? It was a godamn cheap wall clock for God's sake, hahahaha.

Remember when we strolled around Jogja at night just the three of us--with that lil girl? We were snacking, playing, watching people.

Remember that we finally graduated from the campus the place we first met? Or when you took your master degree together with us? We made it!

Remember that we were the parents who passed through the uncounted times in the hospital? We made it! Sometimes I can't believe I had sectio caesaria three times! Whoa.

And if, just in case, we finally apart because of anything the universe named it, I want you to know this:

At least, at the very least, I never have the intention to broke our commitment--not until I wrote this. Let alone the urge to take any revenge upon you. No matter how I bored or hated you. No matter how broke, ugly, stupid, and abusive you were.

At least, at the very least, I am not the kind of person who really demands any material things and asks you too much for them. Did I?

I understand you really wanted to be free and own those people in your life together. I truly wish you two (or three or four--all at once) are soulmate in and after-life so that we could end things that should be ended soon. I wish she could escape from her husband and two sons no matter how good, precious, and respectful the family she was come from. So that you could start a new relationship with her soon.

Both of you might be a great workmate partner and no longer need to secretly make after hour check-ins at Panglima Polim just to have sex. You could talk about scientific research, your journal's writing progress, ways to save both the world and the country, and debating about socialism versus capitalism 24/7 with her. Or you could hold hands along lunch escape at the restaurant next to your office without feeling scared being caught red-handed. Or having an early dinner at Warung Mie, Sudirman Station, to recall what it looks like when both of you did it as someone else's husband and wife.

I wish you both infinite happiness together till death shed you apart from her. I wish this time you could truly devote your love and faith for her--not only just saying it out loud in front of people. Maybe you were born for her and she was born for you.

I wish for any women that might interest you in the future (the easier ones, of course, it's always the easier ones), you would fight for her--not only break some rules and commitments but also be able to bring that into something legal. I hope you finally understand that I have the right to be happy too. I wish when she gets pregnant, you could still care and love her even after she delivered the baby.

Amen.

But this doesn't mean I don't change. I do change, a lot. I don't think I believe in love any longer. The only love form I do still believe is my love for the kids.

I already left. Finally left since then. Maybe you just realized it after some years. 

The home is empty now. The distance is quite far now. Even if we standing side to side. We just need some paper and ink to make it real.

At the end of the day, I realized we never found what we want in life through each of us. I want something totally different from yours. I want pure things, a nice attitude, and the most important thing: the will to grow together. No matter how many times I failed, I wished I had someone who could hold my hands, listen to me carefully and told me that he would be with me all the time.

I value something that you don't.  I enjoy things that you don't. I want to build things and I know you never appeared on my list. I don't know what you want and I don't think I need to know.

I understand we can not force anything into something it wasn't meant to be. I never--and won't do--ask you to stay. And you know I never did that.

And for you, the other side of this story: you're not only wrecked a home but also broke a heart that belongs as a home for three humans inside of it, extinguished love in a family, and destroyed it before it totally vanishes. I hope maybe someday you have the opportunity to learn about this attitude, to have dignity.

It wasn't something until it happened to you.[]