:: muara senandika ::

I don't know how to recover from the hangover caused by our last conversation. I feel like an astronaut who is just back to earth: fighting with gravity. My legs told me to stand up straight but my brain was confused and gave all my weight to the ground. I always choose to fall. I know I don't have wings, but I know I've been flying. I know that I had to step on the ground, but I just can't. We could laugh over ice cream then cry over a birthday cake. Have I ever told you that one day, I couldn't recall how  I left that place? I've been trying to remember but I failed. It's weird because it's been with me for almost five years long. I knew it by heart. When you could share your trauma without crying is considered a part of healing, can I call myself healed when I literary forgot how the trauma hit me? If the answer is yes , then why sometimes do I still see myself unworthy? Why do I still have those anxieties? I have so many anxieties. I feel anxious whe

Have you ever listened to a certain song that reminds you that beautiful things exist? Have you ever wanted to cry so bad but you didn't find any good reason to do it? Have you read a good line in a book but you just crying instead because you know that a good thing like that won't happen to you? Have you ever wanted to give up but here you are, surviving? Have you ever sent a pretty bouquet but refuse to receive one because you feel you don't deserve it? Have you ever wanted to leave but you don't have any place to escape? Have you ever felt you lose hope for one time in life and you know you won't find it in any prayer? For one time in life, you want to lift everything up.[] here, 7 August 2021

I want to say sorry, for myself. Sorry, that you have to face the reality. You are alone and that person no longer exists. The time she asked me who is the person on my mind that pops out when I have to imagine I'm on a hot, dry desert, and I run out of water and food, there's a place covered with trees, looks so comfortable for a rest. Who is someone that might be there? I see that person. And that person only. It is good to have someone that always has your back and who exists  for you. But, no. Sorry.[]

I let you came into my life recently. It wasn't planned. I never had a plan to met someone like you. But I gave you some space inside. I welcome you and you stayed respectfully. I let you to tell your story. Your life, your struggle, the way you coped with those... everything. I was touched with the way you survive back then. It is the beautiful story of yours that cherished me and feels so empowering. I feel encouraged. But then you suddenly quiet. You want to hear my story. I said: no. I love to hear yours and yours only. You said: what's the point of loving my story if you can't embrace yours? What's the point spend your time listening to me carefully if you don't even want listen to yourself alone? You already know my story, it is indeed painfully terrifying but I made it. I know you still have some issues. I'm here all ears. I don't think I need to share mine because I don't need people to feel empathetic towards me. But you said it wasn't the p

"Mbak, ayo temenin gue." "Aduh. Lagi?" "Iya. Abis, mo gimana? Retno udah mohon-mohon banget, nih." Di situlah kemudian kami berdua , d i pojokan lapangan mungil yang gelap dan muram dekat toko kelontong kecil. Satu-satunya sumber cahaya adalah dari toko kelontong itu. "Lama gak kira-kira?" Aku bertanya sebab rasa dahaga mulai menggangguku. Bagaimana tidak haus jika kau berdiri dan berbincang sambil berdiri cukup lama ? "Retno bilang tadi cuma sebentar aja. Yang penting Aa Hasan sudah tenang." "Itu dia beneran bawa pisau?" Aku melirik toko kelontong yang mulai diturunkan separuh rolling door -nya. Jelas saat ini sudah pukul sembilan lebih. Tak ada toko atau warung yang bertahan buka lebih larut dari toko ini. "Gak tau, Mbak. Tapi kalo bawa, kan pasti geger ini satu kompleks." Ya jelas lah. Gegernya bukan karena Hasan bunuh diri, melainkan dia pasti disumpah serapahi bapak-bapak dan om-om tentara: mati

Kalian bisa jadi pernah dengar perkataan berikut: time will heal everything . Kalimat itu rasanya begitu menggugah, apalagi jika posisi kita sedang menggengam luka. Seperti ada optimisme muncul dan membawa kita untuk tak patah semangat. Tapi nih, ya, mommaap, emang iya, waktu menyembuhkan segalanya? Hehe. Siapa sih yang gak pernah terluka dalam hidupnya? Pasti, tiap-tiap dari kita pernah merasakan luka. Entah karena disakiti, entah karena kegagalan sehingga terjatuh sendiri, atau justru terluka karena kehilangan. Duh... Saat menghadapi luka menganga ini, rasanya ya... mungkin awalnya gak percaya. Fase denial . Mulai tumbuh pertanyaan-pertanyaan dan rasa tak percaya seperti: kenapa harus aku? Kenapa harus sekarang? Kenapa ini, kenapa itu... Saat rapuh macam ini, kalimat di judul postingan ini cukup dapat memberi ketenangan dan rasa damai. Sehingga, akhirnya fase denial itu dapat dilalui dan kita tiba pada fase lain yakni: menerima. Menerima kehadiran serangkaian peristiwa yang membawa l

I just stared at my screen for quite so long and decided to wrote about this. I had those years. We had those years. I know we might be leaving our dreams behind to faced our new responsibilities. We might completely forget about it. I know we might want something else, want to be somewhere else. Even at the end of the day we finally grew apart. You chase yours, while I was busy dedicating my whole day to the kids and family matters. I didn't be able to chase mine. Let alone you encouraged me to be on the same page with you. I crawled from my dark place to reach somewhere I belong. To regained my time again, to own my room again, to build my dreams from scratch again. And, here I am. It was not easy for me because sometimes I felt you don't think I deserve those. We left the trigger for some journeys and exchanged it for something hard and unpredictable. But you know what? We did it. This is something I quite proud of us back then. 😊 Remember when we didn't have money just

I wrote this in just one sit. I promise I stopped wherever I finish. So here I go. I have a lot to tell since the last time I posted. I’ve lost my father due to Covid. It’s my biggest loss this year. I never imagined I would lose him in such way. He is not my favorite person, but (believe me) losing someone who we get used to in his presence is still painful. He is my son's favorite person. I had a hard time to tell my son. And the time I told him, he cried the loudest. He said he still wants to play with Akung (this is the way they called my father). I don’t have a lot of his picture on my phone because accidentally my phone is just broken days before we infected Covid. I only have a few of them from other phones. Both losing him and remembering his presence is my soft spot right now. I could cry a river the second his face pop out in my head There’s a lot to heal.[]